I’m back! Despite the flattering rumours that I’d been away to collect my Nobel prize for exemplary contributions to the field of “general savvy”, they were of course untrue.
I was in fact in a sleep clinic as I’ve been suffering from something called night-terrors. They’re not too dissimilar from nightmares, only they’re slightly more extreme. In the way that an evening with Leatherface is slightly more extreme than an evening with Nicholas Parsons.
In fact, it’s gotten to the point where I can’t nod off on public transport for fear of sweating through the seat and screaming “no no Koko!” as I fight off imaginary clowns armed with deceptively sharp balloons.
But I’ve come up with a solution; the Nod Preventing Anti-Doze Device.
It’s basically a uni-spiked collar that sits under your chin, so that at the slightest slide of your head towards the nap position it will administer a jolting jab and startle you back to the land of the living.
Word to the wise though, please avoid wearing the device in any situations requiring vigorous nodding (i.e management meetings, at hospitals when asked if you’d like to turn off a loved ones support), because it could cause some minor stabbing damage.
But I’d rather not talk about that.